Child's perspective on parental conflict

For this post I want to take a different twist and be a bit more personal and reflective. One reason I chose to become a family mediator was my continuing experience as the adult child of divorced parents (who remain in conflict decades after their separation). Like many children, my parents divorced when I was still in grade school. While I was aware my parents certainly did not live peacefully together, I loved and still do love both of my parents deeply. It is from my love for both of my parents and my desire to spare other children from getting caught in the crossfire of parents' conflict that I wish to discuss family conflict from a child’s perspective.

As a mediator I rarely meet the children of the families I help in mediation, although I certainly hear a lot about them. It is clear that no matter the level of conflict or cooperation between parties, parents love their children. It is this deep love that creates the emotions that often lead parties into battle, and the same love that can lead parties to resolution. Often the most helpful tool parties can bring to mediation is love for their children and the desire to do what is best for their children.

When parents are in conflict sometimes hurt feelings lead parents to lose sight of their children's feelings or needs. Before this happens to you, let's take a moment to discuss how your child might feel about your conflict.

“I wish they understood that I love both of them.”

Children have a right to love whomever they choose. If you have not found this out yet, you will when the day comes that your child falls in love and enters a relationship of her own. Ideally, you will love the person your child chooses--but that is not the case for every family. Practice letting your child love whom she will love starting now. This means children have a right to love both parents no matter how their parents feel about one another.

“If they love me, how can they hate each other? I came from him/her.”

Children not only love both parents but they identify with both of you. If you say “Your mom is liar” (whether this is true or not) in front of your child, what your child hears is: “Mom is a liar and I’m part mom, I must be a liar too.”  When you need to vent frustrations about your child’s other parent, do not do so in front of the child. Call a friend after your child is in bed or go out to lunch with a friend without your child to talk out your feelings. Ask that other family members such as grandma or Uncle Joe keep their negative feelings about your ex-spouse quiet around the children.

"I wish mom and dad would let it go and live their separate lives."

It takes time for children to come to terms with their parents separating. Once a child has come to accept that mom and dad will never again live under the same roof, the child believes the conflict should be resolved--or at least managed. Children continue to love both parents and do not want to hear either parent’s complaints about the other. While this can be difficult, you need to learn to keep your thoughts on the other parent and his new girlfriend, house, etc. to yourself when your child is present. Remember that complete avoidance of the other party is not an option. The reality is once you have children together, you will continue to cross paths even once your children are adults. With adult children, you will encounter one another at weddings, graduations and events for your grandchildren. Your child's wedding is her special time--not a time for negative emotions between you and the other parent.

"You tell me not to fight with my brother, that you are tired of all the fighting, but I do what I see. Stop fighting with Dad (in front of me)."

Children and teens in particular are very capable of seeing any hypocrisy in how adults live. For young children it may seem confusing that they are scolded for fighting with a sibling but mom and dad fight and they don't get sent to timeout. Teens, on the other hand, may lose respect for an adult who consistently violates the rules set for the teen. Please do not misunderstand this to say that parents are not allowed to fight. But it is how and when, and the exposure of the children that needs to be considered. Mediation can provide a healthy and constructive outlet for parents to discuss conflicts and create mutually agreed-upon boundaries about how to raise issues of disagreement, helping avoid "fighting" around the children.

Children should never be caught in the middle of adult conflict. Through mediation we strive to not only resolve your current conflicts but to also give you the tools to continue on a peaceable path for both you and your children that extends into the future. If you’d like to help your family through mediation, please give us a call today at (801) 899-6338.