For this post I want to take a different twist and be a bit more personal and reflective. One reason I chose to become a family mediator was my continuing experience as the adult child of divorced parents (who remain in conflict decades after their separation). Like many children, my parents divorced when I was still in grade school. While I was aware my parents certainly did not live peacefully together, I loved and still do love both of my parents deeply. It is from my love for both of my parents and my desire to spare other children from getting caught in the crossfire of parents' conflict that I wish to discuss family conflict from a child’s perspective.
As a mediator I rarely meet the children of the families I help in mediation, although I certainly hear a lot about them. It is clear that no matter the level of conflict or cooperation between parties, parents love their children. It is this deep love that creates the emotions that often lead parties into battle, and the same love that can lead parties to resolution. Often the most helpful tool parties can bring to mediation is love for their children and the desire to do what is best for their children.
When parents are in conflict sometimes hurt feelings lead parents to lose sight of their children's feelings or needs. Before this happens to you, let's take a moment to discuss how your child might feel about your conflict.
“I wish they understood that I love both of them.”
Children have a right to love whomever they choose. If you have not found this out yet, you will when the day comes that your child falls in love and enters a relationship of her own. Ideally, you will love the person your child chooses--but that is not the case for every family. Practice letting your child love whom she will love starting now. This means children have a right to love both parents no matter how their parents feel about one another.
“If they love me, how can they hate each other? I came from him/her.”
Children not only love both parents but they identify with both of you. If you say “Your mom is liar” (whether this is true or not) in front of your child, what your child hears is: “Mom is a liar and I’m part mom, I must be a liar too.” When you need to vent frustrations about your child’s other parent, do not do so in front of the child. Call a friend after your child is in bed or go out to lunch with a friend without your child to talk out your feelings. Ask that other family members such as grandma or Uncle Joe keep their negative feelings about your ex-spouse quiet around the children.
"I wish mom and dad would let it go and live their separate lives."
It takes time for children to come to terms with their parents separating. Once a child has come to accept that mom and dad will never again live under the same roof, the child believes the conflict should be resolved--or at least managed. Children continue to love both parents and do not want to hear either parent’s complaints about the other. While this can be difficult, you need to learn to keep your thoughts on the other parent and his new girlfriend, house, etc. to yourself when your child is present. Remember that complete avoidance of the other party is not an option. The reality is once you have children together, you will continue to cross paths even once your children are adults. With adult children, you will encounter one another at weddings, graduations and events for your grandchildren. Your child's wedding is her special time--not a time for negative emotions between you and the other parent.
"You tell me not to fight with my brother, that you are tired of all the fighting, but I do what I see. Stop fighting with Dad (in front of me)."
Children and teens in particular are very capable of seeing any hypocrisy in how adults live. For young children it may seem confusing that they are scolded for fighting with a sibling but mom and dad fight and they don't get sent to timeout. Teens, on the other hand, may lose respect for an adult who consistently violates the rules set for the teen. Please do not misunderstand this to say that parents are not allowed to fight. But it is how and when, and the exposure of the children that needs to be considered. Mediation can provide a healthy and constructive outlet for parents to discuss conflicts and create mutually agreed-upon boundaries about how to raise issues of disagreement, helping avoid "fighting" around the children.
Children should never be caught in the middle of adult conflict. Through mediation we strive to not only resolve your current conflicts but to also give you the tools to continue on a peaceable path for both you and your children that extends into the future. If you’d like to help your family through mediation, please give us a call today at (801) 899-6338.
2/6/12
Making the most of mediation
You've decided you want to mediate your case (or maybe the court mandated that you attempt mediation before going to trial). Now it's time to discuss how to get the most out of your mediation.
The first step in achieving a successful outcome is for parties to want a resolution. Hopefully your goal for mediation is to reach a resolution. In all my years in the legal field I have yet to meet someone who enjoys battling out a legal case. Mediation is a more peaceful exchange of ideas, desires, and solutions. By wanting to resolve your conflict you are opening the door for a peaceable and timely resolution, as well as lessening your chances of expensive ongoing litigation.
Beyond desire there is more you can bring to the mediation to increase your chances of a positive outcome. The overall better you are prepared for the mediation process, the more likely you will have a successful outcome. Beyond your willingness to mediate your case, your preparation will help us cover all the issues pertaining to your legal case in a timely and cost effective manner, reducing your stress and minimizing how much time and money you spend.
Prepare in advance for your mediation. If you are going to be discussing financial matters, bring all pertinent financial records. If you will be discussing custody and parent time schedules, gather information about your child(ren)'s school schedule, daycare costs and possible providers. For infants, write out the infant's sleeping/feeding schedule. For teens, write down a list of extracurricular commitments for each child, as well as any other scheduling considerations. For more direction on what to bring with you for your mediation, please call us in advance of your appointment at (801) 899-6338. We’d be happy to discuss what you should bring so your mediation can be as successful as possible.
You need to also prioritize the issues pertaining to your legal case. Make a list of the issues you would like to mediate. Consider which issues you feel strongest about and which of the items you are willing to negotiate on. Having some room to negotiate with the other party will make your mediation more successful, such as having an asset you would gladly give your spouse in exchange for an asset you desire.
You also need to try thinking outside the box. Negotiations in mediation do not have to be a straight one for one. For example, rather than dividing the cost of daycare, one party could take parent time while the other works and vice versa if both parties' schedules allow.
When discussing parent time, particularly try to recall things that worked when you lived with or were in a relationship with the other party. For example, if you worked opposite schedules to care for the children and enjoyed not paying daycare costs, perhaps you can continue that same arrangement. Starting from even a single point of agreement will set your mediation on track to reach resolutions rather than it ending in deadlock.
Separation in a relationship will bring change. Lessen the stress of this change by clearly determining what will happen with all the assets, debts, tax exemptions, custody, parent time and any other issues you need to resolve with the professional help of Utah Family Mediator, Rebecca H. Symes. Call us today to schedule your mediation: (801) 899-6338.
The first step in achieving a successful outcome is for parties to want a resolution. Hopefully your goal for mediation is to reach a resolution. In all my years in the legal field I have yet to meet someone who enjoys battling out a legal case. Mediation is a more peaceful exchange of ideas, desires, and solutions. By wanting to resolve your conflict you are opening the door for a peaceable and timely resolution, as well as lessening your chances of expensive ongoing litigation.
Beyond desire there is more you can bring to the mediation to increase your chances of a positive outcome. The overall better you are prepared for the mediation process, the more likely you will have a successful outcome. Beyond your willingness to mediate your case, your preparation will help us cover all the issues pertaining to your legal case in a timely and cost effective manner, reducing your stress and minimizing how much time and money you spend.
Prepare in advance for your mediation. If you are going to be discussing financial matters, bring all pertinent financial records. If you will be discussing custody and parent time schedules, gather information about your child(ren)'s school schedule, daycare costs and possible providers. For infants, write out the infant's sleeping/feeding schedule. For teens, write down a list of extracurricular commitments for each child, as well as any other scheduling considerations. For more direction on what to bring with you for your mediation, please call us in advance of your appointment at (801) 899-6338. We’d be happy to discuss what you should bring so your mediation can be as successful as possible.
You need to also prioritize the issues pertaining to your legal case. Make a list of the issues you would like to mediate. Consider which issues you feel strongest about and which of the items you are willing to negotiate on. Having some room to negotiate with the other party will make your mediation more successful, such as having an asset you would gladly give your spouse in exchange for an asset you desire.
You also need to try thinking outside the box. Negotiations in mediation do not have to be a straight one for one. For example, rather than dividing the cost of daycare, one party could take parent time while the other works and vice versa if both parties' schedules allow.
When discussing parent time, particularly try to recall things that worked when you lived with or were in a relationship with the other party. For example, if you worked opposite schedules to care for the children and enjoyed not paying daycare costs, perhaps you can continue that same arrangement. Starting from even a single point of agreement will set your mediation on track to reach resolutions rather than it ending in deadlock.
Separation in a relationship will bring change. Lessen the stress of this change by clearly determining what will happen with all the assets, debts, tax exemptions, custody, parent time and any other issues you need to resolve with the professional help of Utah Family Mediator, Rebecca H. Symes. Call us today to schedule your mediation: (801) 899-6338.
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